One of my best friends is dying and the one who is struggling to deal with it is me. Yesterday she said something that threw me for a loop. “I’m seriously ready to go. I mean… have you seen the news lately? The world is crazy!” I nodded and agreed with her as a heavy lump settled into the bottom of my heart.
I couldn’t cry until last night. I’ve known she was sick since January but I didn’t believe it. Some miracle would happen. She’d beat it. There was just no way this was going to win. Someone was lying. And now suddenly it’s very real. I feel angry and lost and selfish that I should have these feelings.
Last night I rode home under the blue moon and thought how beautiful the night was. I smelled woodfire and thought about mortality and how crazy our world has gotten. There are so many wise things I should be gleaning from this experience but my mind is silent. My soul has been struck dumb. The only sound in my mind is this;
I don’t want you -
I don’t want you to go.
I’ve got the sun in my eyes,
I didn’t see you passing me by.
I just want you -
I just want you to know… if forever exists…
Inside of me forever you’ll go.
– from Gone by Butterfly Effect