One of my best friends is dying and the one who is struggling to deal with it is me. Yesterday she said something that threw me for a loop. “I’m seriously ready to go. I mean… have you seen the news lately? The world is crazy!” I nodded and agreed with her as a heavy lump settled into the bottom of my heart.
I couldn’t cry until last night. I’ve known she was sick since January but I didn’t believe it. Some miracle would happen. She’d beat it. There was just no way this was going to win. Someone was lying. And now suddenly it’s very real. I feel angry and lost and selfish that I should have these feelings.
Last night I rode home under the blue moon and thought how beautiful the night was. I smelled woodfire and thought about mortality and how crazy our world has gotten. There are so many wise things I should be gleaning from this experience but my mind is silent. My soul has been struck dumb. The only sound in my mind is this;
I don’t want you -
I don’t want you to go.
I’ve got the sun in my eyes,
I didn’t see you passing me by.
I just want you -
I just want you to know… if forever exists…
Inside of me forever you’ll go.
– from Gone by Butterfly Effect
It’s always the ones who are left behind who suffers from death. Many of us fear that unknown, what’s going to happen to us before our Father takes us to him. Be happy that she has found peace with this transition period, and remember – it’s not for forever. You will see her again.
I know it’s not much comfort, nothing will ever really bring that, but I’m happy she has found some solace in this experience. I hope I am lucky enough to find that – to be that brave. My prayers go out to you and your friend, Angela.
No words can ever really bring comfort to someone who is loosing/has lost someone, but just remember that they continue to live in our hearts so long as we carry their memories with us.
At least your frined has accepted what is happening and is ok with it, be happy for her for that small thing.
Wish there was something i could tell you to make you feel better.