The Terrorist Within

Today I vacuumed out the old house for probably the last time.  I found myself thinking back to the hundreds of times I’d vacuumed that floor over the last years – nearly a decade was spent under that roof watching my kids grow up from elementary to beyond high school.  Now all those experiences are memories.

My ex husband was just diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but he’s had it for years.  After 17 years of marriage PTSD reared up and smashed everything beyond repair.  The family was broken with divorce.  This last Christmas PTSD caused my ex husband to pull a loaded pistol on his kids and threaten to kill himself and them.

It’s an uphill battle every day to deal with all the fallout from what happened in December.  The kids are all generally doing well, but they still struggle.  We are trying to play catchup on grades that have slid down into the failing zone.  There are so many meetings, assessments, inspections, counseling sessions… and privacy is out the door.  We can’t afford the luxury of having a bad day.  That was taken away when we started living under the microscope.

The late night social worker visits and constant badgering is not what matters tho.  My kids are alive and well and moving on with their lives.  That night I could have lost them.  Each of them experienced mortality as the barrel of a gun came into focus in their vision.  No shots needed to be fired to deeply wound their innocence.

My ex husband suffered from symptoms of PTSD for years before it peaked.  Almost overnight I saw him change into someone I didn’t recognize – someone I would have shied away from had I met him on the street.  I don’t blame him for the loss of the marriage or the violence done with the children.  I blame the monkey of war that latched itself to him and so many others.

Support Our Troops stickers are everywhere alongside lonely yellow ribbons but do we really support our troops?  Suicides in the military are up and the divorce rate in my ex husband’s career field lingers at 80% or higher.  It’s amazing we held on for 17 years.

I suspect PTSD is as prevalent among our troops as a cold virus, but there’s no vaccination for this often fatal disease.  It’s the monkey in the closet, hidden out of sight but clawing away at our military forces from within just as effectively as any enemy from beyond.

Treatment is available but getting PTSD diagnosed can be difficult.  The symptoms are often brushed away in an effort to protect careers.  Soldiers buck up and deal with it – a real men don’t whine mentality.  It’s time for us to support our troops beyond sending them cards and care packages when they are deployed.  It’s time to recognize that the real enemy can be ourselves.

More Reading:

What is PTSD?

War, Yellow Ribbons and Gatorade